I was going to call this entry “Big Love” (I never claimed to be all that original), but honestly the subject matter at hand has a lot less to do with love, than it does hot, sweaty sex.
If you’ve been with me since the beginning of this very young blog, you’ll remember that my eyes were opened to the world of men who like a big girl when I posted in craiglist’s Casual Encounters section back in December. I was on the hunt for some impromptu anger sex, and my assumption at the time was that if a guy knew that I was both black and BBW, I’d have some trouble getting laid. I couldn’t have been more wrong. I’ve discovered since then that it is really no harder for me to procure a roll in the hay at my present weight, than it was 25 or 30lbs ago. So I set out to see why.
From February 8th until the first week of March, I cruised craiglist’s m4w (man for woman) Casual Encounters section looking for men who preferred BBWs. I accosted them, sending them a chipper little e-mail asking if they’d be interested in an in-person interview or (as I wised up) answering some questions via e-mail. Of the 30 or so men who I e-mailed, I received a reasonable set of responses from nine; not a bad ROI in my books. And before I get going, let me say a huge thank you to the men who were willing to be so open and honest in answering my questions (a special shout out to ToBrickzShyAload). I’m even grateful to the guy who fucking stood me up for coffee last Friday night (you’re the one who asked, you weirdo).
My goal in conducting this rudimentary survey was to better understand the man who likes to have sex with a bigger woman. Ultimately, I wanted to know if the desire for a larger woman in bed was a legitimate preference or simply a fetish. The answer of course, is yes.
The first thing I tried to determine in all of this was some sort of definition for the term “BBW.” The answers from my participants varied but first we’ll let Wiki speak: “The terms ‘Big Beautiful Women’ and ‘BBW’ were coined by Carole Shaw in 1979, when she launched BBW Magazine, a fashion and lifestyle magazine for plus-size women.” In addition, “the term is a subjective, visually-determined concept that does not have an explicit lower or upper weight limitation, and may denote women who may be considered barely overweight to those who are morbidly obese.”
Having read the words of Wikipedia it wasn’t surprising that the answers of the men surveyed--when asked what BBW meant to them—varied widely. I got answers ranging from “anyone bigger than Marilyn Monroe” (who was about size six or eight by today’s standards—not a 14 or 16) to “a woman ideally 180-250lbs.” There were answers that were more about proportions like: “fit, hourglass…type body” or “a plus sized woman with shape.” And then there were the really confusing answers: a woman who “carries herself in a sexy way and exudes warmth and sensuality;” “a woman who “is comfortable with herself and takes pride in her appearance.” Or this next answer; whilst not a view necessarily espoused by the respondent, it was a possibility that he put forward: “fat ugly girls who can’t get laid normally but use craigslist for sex and then get a bunch of hot guys with big cocks to bang them.” I don’t know where he’s getting his information regarding cock size.
So my second question, which I believe was begging to be asked, was whether the terms “BBW” and “fat” are synonymous, or two different things. Here’s where things get funny:
“When I think of fat I think of someone who may be comfortable with themselves but doesn’t take care of their health or appearance.”
“I consider it different. Sure, on craigslist, every fat girl calls herself a BBW, but not every fat girl is beautiful or sexy.”
“Well it is pretty synonymous although a BBW might not be fat.”
So based on these answers, there are days when I’m fat, days when I’m a BBW and days when my BBW-ism or fatness will be completely determined by my beholder. Also I might not be fat at all. It does do a girl’s head in. Oh to have a nice, neat, relatively objective label like “slim.”
While a few men did simply say that the two were synonymous there was one answer that, I thought, made a great point about terminology:
“It is all about perception. The term[s] BBW, full figured, pleasantly plump, are used by people who find this body type sexy. The term fat is used by people who don’t.”
So let me park there for a moment. For many woman (and men) who fall into the group that is heavier than slim, fit or athletic, the idea of using the word “fat” to describe themselves is relatively abhorrent. I call myself “fat” on days when I’m feeling shitty about myself. When I’m feeling great I just call myself hot. There are so many negative connotations associated with the word fat—lazy, stupid, unhealthy, unkempt, slovenly, dim, weak-willed, unfeeling, greedy, utterly sedentary, smelly, deceitful, jealous, misanthropic, add others as you see fit—that not many people want to take on that word. And there isn’t the same cohesiveness in the “fat community” as there is in, for example, the gay community, so there’s been no great united effort to take back the word “fat” in the way that the word “queer” was reclaimed. Throw in the fact that most heavy people have, at some point in their lives, tried to be thinner (probably several times) and the reasons not to take on that term kind of snowball. While it doesn’t pack nearly the negative punch, there’s a reason slim people don’t generally ask to be referred to as “skinny.” “Skinny” stops being cool after about sixth grade (unless you’re talking denim), at which point it starts to be related to things like weakness in boys and really small breasts in girls.
Given these points I think it’s absurd for anyone to think that the majority of heavy people are going to refer to themselves as “fat” when seeking a partner for a relationship or just posting on craigslist for sex, unless they have made a conscious decision to use that word.
But back to the subject at hand.
So clearly no consensus was reached regarding what the terms “BBW” or “fat” mean. Having established absolutely nothing except the fact that I will never know if a man thinks I’m a BBW or a fat woman, I moved on to some other questions.
I wanted to know if, in an ideal world, these men would choose BBWs as their life partners. Now I made the mistake of essentially asking this question in two different ways, but the difference in responses to essentially the same question in some cases, was telling. The second time I sort of asked it, the question was framed as “if you’re looking for a long term relationship, rather than just sex, would it be important to you that she be BBW?” Of the six men who answered that question only two answered that it would be the ideal. The other four, despite their enthusiasm sexually for BBWs, went with either a “no” or a “not necessarily.” One fellow said that if he were to post an ad for relationship he would specifically mention a preference for BBW, but when answering the previously mentioned question answered: “No. For long term I’d want someone physically able to engage in an active lifestyle—skiing, sailing etc., but for a romp in the hay, there’s something to be said for lots of cuddly warm sexy flesh!”[i]
Which brings me to the issue of fetishism. Now strictly speaking, fetishes around the body tend to focus on a part of it as opposed to its entirety or the person as a whole. In the case of fat fetishism (not including Feederism, Stuffing and Gaining fetishes[ii]) the focus of the erotic arousal is often loose, hanging flesh.
So I looked carefully at the answers again, seeking signs of fetishism, and some phrases did stick out for me:
“[F]east for the eyes”
“[T]he way those soft thighs and bum feel”
“I’m crazy about big thighs and big buns”
“I love smothering myself into all [of] your body.” (Note this man did not ever “smother himself into all” of *my* body—he just wrote very conversationally).
“I am in heaven when orally pleasing a large behind and between thich [sic] thighs”
“[L]ots of cuddly warm sexy flesh”
Once again there was no apparent pattern in these responses. They came from men ranging in age from 27 to 49; men who dated BBWs, men who hadn’t or wouldn’t; men whose idea of BBW meant a woman who was probably around a size 12 or 14 and men who thought it was something closer to a size 24 or 26.
From where I’m standing, there’s a hint of fetish in those statements but on the other hand I’ve had this subject on the brain for weeks now. I did however, have an interesting conversation with the perfect man the other day (unfortunately he is married and has children—damn my bad luck). In his estimation, the BBW-loving men of our world are objectifying women as much as the guy who only goes for a huge rack on top of a set of legs that goes on forever.
And on some level I agree with him. I, like everyone else on the planet, have specific physical preferences when it comes to men—I like ‘em tall, dark and thin (what my sister describes as “skinny” with a grimace) and looking like they’re all of about twenty-one years old. But have the bulk of my sexual encounters or forays into dating been with men that look like that? No. Is it a deal breaker even in the shooting-fish-in-a-barrel world of casual sex (for women anyway)? No. Have I had amazing sex with people who didn’t fit the description and not so great sex with people who did? Yes and yes.
But then I’m a woman. Maybe this is one of those “men are more visual” issues. Maybe men need to have what their ideal visually and sexually to get it up more so than women. But I’m disinclined to agree with that statement. I have a hard time believing that every man with whom I’ve shared a bed has thought of my body as their ideal. In fact I know that’s not so. One former frequent flyer of mine has certainly told me what his ideal body type is (not mine), and has made mention of the “painfully shy woman with the best body I’ve ever seen” more than once. But obviously his preferences are not keeping him away. So if preferences unmet don’t generally keep people from getting it on and the Mars/Venus dichotomy isn’t necessarily a significant factor in casual sexual transactions—maybe, for, not all, but a significant number of guys, the BBW thing is, in fact, just a fetish. Not much different from the guy who wants to sleep with me just because I’m black. And I’m pretty sure I’m not cool with being fetishized. But, then again I probably won’t kick the next fetishist out of bed over it.
[i] While there’s ample fodder here for the beginnings of a discussion about fatness and fitness, it’s another post for another day.
[ii] See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fat_fetishism for blurb about Feederism, Stuffing and Gaining.
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