13 - Bad Shirt

So in a mere 22 hours, barring any major delays, I will be sitting on a plane headed for Charlotte, North Carolina, where I'll then board a connecting flight to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. We are excited--very, very excited. As a result this post is being done so fast and dirty that it won't even be seen by the editor. I can only offer a thousand apologies in advance for any misplaced commas and typos.

So Paul McKenna's book finally showed up on Tuesday last week. I spent three days eating only when I was hungry, eating what I wanted, eating consciously and stopping when satisfied. By Thursday I was too irritable to even go and see my therapist. My stomach felt off, I was headache-y, my blood sugar was on some sort of magic carpet ride, and I was feeling plain old pissed off from not being able to ingest something delicious to cope with every emotion coming my way. I haven't quite tackled the visualization techniques that he recommends yet but I did begin listening to his vaguely hypnotic CD at bedtime. Hopefully he's working some kind of mojo on me while I sleep. Despite his strictly forbidding you to weigh yourself before you've been doing the program for at least two weeks, I figured I wanted a little numerical encouragement before I headed south. Having to buy an even bigger tankini this year (over last year's) to accommodate my enlarged girth was making me feel a little blue (even if this tankini is smokin' hot). The funny part is that I worked to be disappointed. I pulled out the scale from its place of shame beneath my wardrobe only to find that the battery was dead so I couldn't get a reading. I made a special trip to the drug store to get a battery and laboured over getting it installed properly. It was with great confidence that I stepped up onto the scale. After ten days of having to actually cope with anxiety, boredom, and mild sadness, I haven't lost a pound. I was 230 the last time I weighed myself and I'm at exactly the same spot. Now I suppose something could be said for the fact that I haven't gained and I should be glad that I'm not hoovering down enough food for three other people in a day and thus avoiding that awful "my stomach hurts 'cause I'm so full" feeling. But c'mon! Do my efforts count for nothing?! So I hope that in time Paul McKenna will make me thin but clearly it won't be happening at the speed I would have preferred. Whatever happens, you'll be the first to know about it.

And as if the number on the scale wasn't depressing enough I have the vague impression that the teen-aged boy who gave up his seat to me on the bus last night might have done so thinking I was pregnant. I was wearing one of those empire waist line shirts that all fat women are supposed to wear; the ones that are supposed to hide our bellies. The problem, of course, is that not all fat women are shaped the same way, though plus size clothing makers would have you think so. I am one of those fat women whose weight sits at the top of her belly. So an empire waist line in most clothing, unless cut very specifically, makes me look pregnant. I thought I’d lucked out with this shirt though. It appears that I may have been wrong. Seriously, some days it’s best to not get out of bed at all.

12 - Till Heft Do Us Part

As I’ve made my latest foray back into the dating game, it’s gotten me thinking about my weight in the context of a relationship. On one level I really want to meet someone now, at my heaviest, so that should I lose weight it’s just sort of an added bonus; and if should I gain weight again it’s not a massive shock for Mr. Right. While I’m presently in no danger of losing any weight (my damn book still hasn’t shown up yet), it does concern me that if I entered a relationship 30lbs lighter, that person, the slimmer me, would be the person my significant other signed up for, not the one I am now. This begs the question, if the person that I am now reappeared would Mr. Right be entitled to get outta Dodge for that reason alone? In other words, when a person gains weight in a relationship is the other party entitled to leave for that very reason? Have they been subjected to a bait and switch and are they well within their rights to go and find someone who will maintain a little better?

I sat down with my good friend Candy[i] to ask these very questions. Candy has been married since before I even realized boys were good for something. While Candy’s body has changed and morphed since having children she is pretty much the same weight that she was when she got married (if not a little lighter). Her husband however, has put on a significant amount of weight since “I do” and I wanted to pick her brain about what that’s like for their relationship.

Before we dive in to the interview, I want to thank Candy for her honesty and forthrightness. The blog is blessed.

Heavy: At what point did your husband’s weight gain become an issue for you?

Candy: When we first started dating he was 196lbs and he still had a little bit of a belly—he basically needed to do some crunches to lose it. I don’t know exactly what the number was but I know I reached a day when it just started to irritate me. I realized I had put on weight and he’d never complained about it—so I was probably not saying anything for a while but feeling that way for some time.

H: Do you remember how long ago that was?

C: Maybe about six years ago.

H: You said it started to "irritate" you—can you elaborate on that word?

C: I think when I became annoyed was in moments when he’d already pissed me off in some way. So you know how we are, we always bring up the past; and all the other baggage would come with it. His family would say stuff like "when are you going to get on the treadmill" or "you could stand to lose a few pounds," and I would feel the need to defend him, in the back of my mind knowing it was true. I was torn because I had to defend him but I was feeling the same thing that his family was.

H: How long have you been married now, eight years?

C: Eleven years (laughs).

H: Someday I’ll remember! You’ve been married 11 years – so this has been an issue for almost half the marriage.

C: Yeah. The other thing that annoyed me was buying him clothes. You go into Moore’s to get someone to help you and they ask if you’re buying for your father. You’re 25 or 26 and it’s like you’re buying for your husband.

H: Did you feel stigmatized?

C: I felt the stigma because I’m there buying a 2x or 3x shirt or 44 or 46 waist pant. Also around that time I had just had our first child and I felt like he needs to be active for the one-year old child who’s running around.

H: Did it affect your sex life?

C: Absolutely.

H: Do you want to get into the nitty gritty?

C: Oh I can.

H: Okay, go for it!

C: You always get stuck in the same positions. Especially after you have a baby, sex is really uncomfortable if the person is on top is a lot heavier than you. Especially if the woman has had stitches and they’re still sore. Even with me on top I still have to get my ample thighs around his ample belly.

H: How about from behind?

C: There’s still a belly in the way even if you have the biggest willy in the world.

H: I know there was a period of time when your husband had just left a job and so that was an issue for him. Do you think that affected the issues around the weight gain?

C: Having job troubles contributes to your activity level and if he’s not feeling good about where he’s at, the whole weight thing is an easy excuse to start an argument.

H: Did you bring up the weight when you were pissed off about something else?

C: Oh yeah. You certainly don’t fight fairly. We all do it so we might as well just fess up to it. And I’m always the one who starts talking and then that’s what starts the fight. I’m the woman and emotionally I need to get it out. So it comes off like I’m doing a lot of nagging, which maybe essentially I am.

H: Do you feel that a person’s physical appearance and the maintenance of that is part of the promise one makes at the altar?

C: Yes. It’s the unspoken promise. But as we age, guys get more nose hair, they go bald. Do you really expect that at 25 years old unless they’re already going that way? No. [Looks are] important when you’re young but as you get older you hit a certain age and you mature and you go through life enjoying the experiences that you’ve had with that person. It’s not so much about the nose hairs and the bald head but the person you’re with. You grow to love those things. If you ask a younger person they’d say yes, that’s important, but an older person would say no. It’s certainly been an issue in our house.

H: Do you feel like as you’ve gotten older it’s been less difficult?

C: No, more difficult for me personally.

H: That totally flies in the face of what you just said!

C: I know!

H: Why do you think that is?

C: Because part of me feels entitled. I’m 34 years old and I have this 40 year old husband who should still be taking care of himself. [Who should] be more conscious of how he dresses. There are days when he doesn’t care that he’s not cleaned his ears or shaved his face in three days. I don’t get that, I’m just the total opposite of that. And I don’t just do that for him—I do that also for myself. Maybe it’s a vanity thing. I don’t know. When you go to the gynecologist, you do some work “down there.” You’re not really doing it for them but to make sure the opinion that’s formed is a good one. Maybe it’s part of vanity.

H: Is a person entitled to leave the marriage entirely if someone’s appearance changes dramatically–whether they just entirely check out emotionally or actually get divorced?

C: If someone were to say that a man left a woman because she got fat after having a couple of kids we’d think that guy was the biggest asshole in the world. But I’m not naïve enough to think that there isn’t a whole lot of that happening in marriages. That one person is feeling that the other has given up and they’re feeling frustrated and end up wanting to have an affair or having some other vice.

H: Whether people are admitting to it or not it’s happening then?

C: It’s happening. I’m sure.

H: Is that guy within his rights to do that though?

C: I don’t think anyone should leave a marriage over just that. But I don’t think anyone leaves over just that—it’s not just that someone got fat and it was over. It’s not like everything else is fine and then someone gains some weight and so the other person leaves. Other things are always going on whether it’s a bad sex life or emotional problems, money troubles….whatever.
And people don’t just eat because they like to eat—there’s usually depression that comes along with it. Weight is an easy one to fight about because people have to eat.

H: Do you feel like your husband’s weight gain was selfish?

C: Yeah, sure it’s selfish.

H: Do you think he’s conscious of that?

C: Yes, in a way, because it’s a choice to either get up and exercise or feed your face or not. But I also think that when you struggle with weight, you feel bad about overeating or not exercising and you end up doing the same activity that made you feel bad all over again. So it’s a vicious cycle.

H: Would you say your concern is equally about your kids and you or no?

C: I would say equally. For me, my concern comes from a personal or sexual viewpoint. For the kids, it’s about being healthy for them, healthy enough to play and eventually see them have grandchildren. Kids pick up on their friends’ parents being different from their parents. Kids notice these things and sometimes they verbalize their fears/concerns and sometimes they don’t. And that’s where it becomes a sticky situation.

H: Is there anything else you’d like to add?

C: I definitely think that there’s a difference between a man harping on a wife about weight and a woman harping on a man for the same reason. Usually women gain weight because of children so they sort of have an excuse. But then again why do men get fat? Is it because he’s providing for the family and job stress, that sort of thing? The reasons people get fat might really be the same; it’s just that women also have children. In a way people don’t necessarily badger women quite as much because we usually do hold on to some of that weight after we’ve had kids. It doesn’t necessarily make us an overweight person but things are gonna look or feel different afterwards. With guys there’s a different standard because there are no children. Guys get less lenience. Why does a guy just put on 40lbs? There’s no physical reason for it. I also realize that as we age we are more prone to put on weight because we are less active, so I’m not talking about all of the 60-90 year olds out there. I’m not speaking of putting on weight because of medical issues either. Even though he is losing weight, I’m still not all that into him when he’s naked because I still see all the places he needs to lose weight.

H: At this point are you interested in him sexually or are you, for lack of a better phrase, taking it for the team?

C: Taking it for the team. If I met him today I wouldn’t be sexually interested in him, unless he had an amazing personality or did something really amazing for me. If I saw him today I wouldn’t give him a second look. I might think "oh he’s handsome, but he could stand to lose a few pounds." I’m just not into that type of body. It’s a harsh reality but it’s a fair question. You didn’t marry the person at this weight. If you didn’t know this person would you still be in to them? Honestly I’d say no. Most people are too wishy washy to answer that question.

H: In a perfect world where he loved his job and there were no money problems, do you think the weight thing would be as much of an issue?

C: If everything was perfect, he liked his job, and we didn’t have to worry about money, he’d probably carry himself differently. He would care if he put on twenty pounds because his confidence would probably suffer. If they’re confident, most people will start doing something on their own without someone nagging them. When you feel bad about other things and you’re depressed, you body aches and you physically feel unwell. At that point it is hard to get up to exercise because your mind is not into it, your body certainly isn’t feeling like exercising, and your heart might not be into it.

---

[i] Same old, same old. Candy is not her real name. Is anyone named Candy anymore?