Friday, July 3, 2009

21 - The Fat List

I took today (July 2) off, anticipating that I’d need the day to recuperate from yesterday’s Canada Day festivities. Instead I came face to face with how very difficult it is to get drunk on shandies. So today was probably less a necessity than originally thought. However I’ve spent the entire day swanning around in my pyjamas, watching Wimbledon tennis (Serena won her semi-final match) and scoping out Meetup Groups. And despite my day of easy living, I’ve got nothing. No great insights. No earth shattering news story—certainly nothing that tops the deaths of last week. No personal revelations. So instead, a list: a list of fat things that I love.

Fat Hamsters – Unlike fat cats or dogs, fat hamsters still look like they can enjoy life. And frankly they aren’t living long enough for you to take them in for a hip replacement because they were carrying too much weight. That their cuteness increases almost in direct correlation to their fatness is undeniable. Fat hamsters are the shit.

Fat Asses – I have to be honest in that I only love certain fat asses. When the fat sits like two oversized apples on the bottom, outside edges of the behind, it’s a beautiful thing to behold. I do not have this type of butt and I lament it daily. I’d LOVE a butt like this. Some people would say no to that kind of butt, insisting that it too easily lends to saddle bag formation, should the fat shift even a little. To these I say, until the saddle bags appear, long live the chunky butt.

Fat Asians – Let me first say, this is not some sort of racist remark. I think Asians do heaviness better than most ethnic groups and that’s including black people. I’m not sure why, but I almost never find heavy Asian women unattractive. I always think they’re freaking adorable and get kinda mad that I could never achieve that kind of cute just by virtue of being overweight. My love for a fat Asian man isn’t as strong—but it’s there all the same. They have a way of appearing positively cherubic and I’m all over that (in a totally platonic way).

Phat Farm – This may not quite qualify, but I just love that a term that has always been so derogatory has been co-opted so beautifully for the sake of fashion.

Fat Back Taffy – This is Jill Scott’s band on the live portion of the double album “Experience 826+,” as well as a song on that album. The song sounds like an old time gospel ditty and it’s hard not to sing along.

Fat Stogies – It takes forever and a day for me to smoke a fat stogie but it’s the most delicious fun. It’s one of the few activities that I will tolerate that forces me to sit down and chill out. And it’s not the same as ‘in front of the TV’ chill, which isn’t really all that relaxing for your brain. It’s the kind of chill during which I sit on the rooftop with a glass of wine, in the cool of a summer evening, staring out at the city, and just chill.

A Fat Actress – I loved Roseanne Barr in her heyday. I know she wasn’t everyone’s cup of tea but there are few family sitcoms I found nearly as enjoyable as “Roseanne.” I loved that the kids were never going to be even close to Cosby-perfect. I loved that her sister was so hapless. I loved that her husband was so freaking lovable. And I loved that Roseanne Barr actually tried to get this version of the American family on TV and managed to do it. I think she deserves kudos for that.

Another Fat Actress – Kathy Bates. ‘Nuff said. I don’t think of her as a “fat” actress. I just think of her as an amazing actress who has managed to really do well coming into the game pretty late. And she happens to be fat so she can be in this list, but her fatness is really neither here nor there. I simply think of it as her comeliness.

Fat Articles about Skinny People – I include these in the list because they are both maddening and comedic gold all at once. I love it when women like Scarlett Johansson and Evangeline Lily are the women listed in articles about how “fat” is back in Hollywood. I will stomach seeing them called curvaceous because they do have actual breasts and sometimes behinds as well. But anyone’s breasts can seem amazingly large if their waist is amazingly small. I don’t think either of these women would appear particularly curvaceous next to a woman who was a curvy size 8 or 10—you know, the women walking around in front of us all day, every day—the average ones. Johansson and Lily are not fat; hell, they aren’t even average. They are nothing like the rest of us or they wouldn’t be steadily working actresses in Hollywood—period.

Fat Lips – I used to hate my lips as a kid. I mean really despise them. They were too big. I was raised in the suburbs, often the only black kid in my class; if I was lucky, one of maybe three or four in an entire school. I wasn’t teased a lot or anything, but it was tough trying to figure out what beauty looked like in my skin rather than the skin of someone paler. One of my brothers used to constantly tell me to “fold my lips,” insisting that I make them look smaller. I don’t think it was until my late 20s that I started to realize that big, fat, luscious lips weren’t all bad—and I’m not even including the utterly lewd reason that will go through most male heads at this point. I’m still not thrilled when someone makes some weird ass comment about my lips being big because they’ve never laid eyes on a black person before, but for the most part I’m pretty open to compliments now. And as I’ve grown to like my own lips, I’ve started loving big, fat, luscious lips on other people (with the notable exception of Angelina Jolie whose completely natural lips still manage to look like they’ve suffered some sort of Botox assault). Michelle Pfeiffer’s top lip—to die for. Jude Law’s lower lip—a touch of heaven. LL Cool J’s lips are nearly a brand unto themselves. I want to kiss Missy Elliott’s lips—they are freaking gorgeous. All hail big lips.

Fat Sausages – Everyone loves sausage; the fatter, the better.

Fat Asian Babies – This list is in no particular order otherwise, but this is my number one pick. Though I’ve already pointed the general awesomeness of fat Asian adults, I felt that fat Asian babies deserved a category of their own, so special and distinct is my love for them. All fat babies are pretty cute (except for ugly babies—but they’re ugly no matter what size they are). It’s the one time in life when it’s okay to look like the Michelin Tire Man. But there is something insane that happens in my head when I see a fat little Asian baby. I am vaguely tempted to steal it, bring it home, fatten it up further and then snack upon it with little love bites. I can’t help but smile at random fat Asian babies. On transit vehicles, I turn into a grinning idiot. In the street, I won’t hesitate to fall into baby talk. These children have a power over me that is unholy, and yet, wholly welcome. If I ever have children, blame the fat Asian babies—they made me do it.

So that’s my list. I hope it brought you some post Canada Day enjoyment. Please tell me what fat things you love (besides me). Perhaps we can compile a comprehensive list for next Canada Day.

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